mY fAIryTalE_

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I'm back from camp!!
Camp was the bestest bestest thing to have happened ever!!
I miss all the people alreadY!!
The OC! The councillors! The freshies! MA'AT YOU GUYS ROCK K!!

At first I was wondering if all the trials and what-not were worth it... And I even considered withdrawing from the camp during that rough period... I'M SO GLAD I DIDN'T!!

Was like so sad to say those farewells yesterday at ecp...
To those in group 6:
the councillors:
junli the log asst and the most on about throwing kianmeng into the sea. jin rui the quiet and steady guy. shuo han the awesome dance teacher. zenov with his funky flaming red hair. huishan aka pui... forever photogenic and one super cute girl. vivian who's always nice and caring. yan rui with the mysterious group 6 password. ling fong the cluedo IC and the person who did our identifiers (they look damn cool, even mervyn said so!). kit the girl who has had too much esctasy during our dance sessions. And of course our dearest akc and kc! zin the one who works both behind the scenes and on stage with the rest of us councillors, the one who always has a smile and is willing to put in that 101% for everyone. kian meng the super nice person but somehow always manages to get himself sabo'ed no matter what he says... he put in lots of effort before, during, and after the camp, both for the councillors and freshies... but maybe he should cut down all the gay and the 大便仙子 and what not hehe.
the freshies:
tan ching the quiet one... doesnt seem to talk more than the rest, but looks quite handsome when he smiles. glenn who joined us near the finale of cluedo night but still managed to make himself heard and known throughout the rest of the camp. derui who has this calm and steady look about him and handles matters with confidence. ruixiang who laughs and jokes quite a bit but actually can dance quite well. ken who manages to add in punchlines to our jokes at the right time. edlina who is forever in high spirits and willing to volunteer ideas. sin en who looks quiet but looks beautiful when smiling. joyce who had to work in the day but still managed to reserve enough energy to go through the activities like everybody else. jenny who managed to overcome her embarassment of performing the duck action... also looks cute with a smile.

THANK YOU ALL!! Camp would not have been so fun without all of you. Given a chance to choose which group to be in, I'd never make a different choice.

The first day I had to leave halfway during internal hunt, and then I was station IC for MJ, so I couldnt run with you all and see how you were doing. Then on day 2, the external hunt, we all seemed quite tired too, but I saw you all (the freshies) interacting well. Even more so during the cluedo, where you completed it on your own without our (the councillors') help!! Kudos to you! Then I again couldnt see you guys on the morning of day 3, because we were all split up for mass games. However the afternoon of day 3 spent practicing the dance was, imo, the best time we had together. The bonding, the time spent after cluedo learning a few steps with shuo han, the time spent with you all that day, it was great. After SP that night, it was fright night, and I was around to play some games with you guys. After a while I think we all got bored playing games, so you guys decided to practice your dance steps, and since I was the only one around who roughly knew the steps, I helped you people along a little. However after fright night, you all practiced your dance, and how could I sleep while you people were practicing? So I stayed up along with shuo han, zin, KM, zenov and jin rui to help you all rehearse the dance, and I was really really very touched that night cause you all danced really really very well and I felt that my effort and my sacrificed sleep was worth it (I was advance party for sentosa the next day and had to wake up earlier than you all) because you people really put in a lot of hard work, especially since when I wanted to cut the practice, you guys wanted a couple more trial runs. It was really heartwarming. Then during sentosa, I again was station IC, so I didnt manage to run around with you guys, but you guys performed admirably at my stations!! It was nice to see everyone so high after sentosa, when we all moved to the chalet, had the SP revelation and the dinner, and the talentime after that! I think you people danced really well!! I had lots of fun too! Even after we went back to the chalet in the sudden rain, we were all still in quite high spirits, and we took some time to bathe and cool down and relax before heading upstairs to play cards while the rest went to macs to watch world cup (I am no soccer fan). I think that night was another of my enjoyable moments with you all, where we all played late into the night, about 0430 am. Thanks to shuo han, joyce, jin rui, glenn, jenny, zin, sin en, and ken for staying up with me that night! I promise more bridge lessons in future! Also, we managed to solve the problem of sleeping space quite well (it was my idea hehehe), and thanks for letting me have the bed! Although when the others came back later, edlina came to squeeze beside me on that small mattress xD. Not that I minded anyway =). Oh and... thanks goes to edlina for helping me with the lotion that night. Haha. Then on day 5 (6 for us councillors), it was time for prize presentation and councillor SP revelation and farewells. It was a pleasant surprise to know that group 6 won the best group!! Like I was saying to someone else, it was impossible to determine who the best freshie is because although we had a few outstanding ones like edlina, ruixiang and derui, they knew when it was time to let the other freshies showcase their leadership talents, and I think that's very very important in allowing a group to bond. Also, kudos to the rest for stepping up and leading the group when appropriate. I think you people are really great!! I really really couldnt bear to say my farewells that day, but I knew I had to, so I did so, albeit with a heavy heart...

P.S. I was one of the fake hong kong accents on day 2 and 3. Haha. Lots of candid shots I have too. Heh.

Also, not forgetting the rest of the councillors, OC, and freshies that made this camp possible:
For MJ: Special thanks to: alex. yong feng. ee jay. florence. jin rui. All for helping me and making my station more enjoyable.
For SP: Special mention must be given to... christine. tiong wei. and all the councillors who helped out. It was great!
For Cluedo: Great job there mich and ling fong! So proud of you! This year's cluedo was great! Kudos to the programme ICs and the cast.
For Mass Games: Orange group! You were superb! Credits to... mich. khoon hong. yiwen. lionel. lixian. judy. shih kwang.
For Twilight Hunt: The programme IC, yuzheng, and all the councillors who helped deserved to be thanked! People like... li ming. judy. tricia. clarice. shi feng. khoon hong. amanda. bryan. shuo han. alex. yuet ting. vivian.
For Sentosa: Sentosa was the most fun part of camp IMHO!! Many many thanks go to... puay fang. wenbin. alex. jiakai. tricia. yan rui. liming. jason. jin rui.
Although I got sunburnt quite badly, it was worth it in exchange for all the fun and all the jumping into the sea with alex =). Also my apologies for raising my voice at the freshies at my station when they didnt listen to my station ic, and also to group 2, because I was really really burning up and wanted to hide in the shade.
For Talentime: It started out a little draggy, but the mad singing and running around and playing after that got us really really high!! The credits: tzehwee. lionel. all the OC. and of course our freshies tan ching and sin en who were up on stage.

Of course not forgetting to thank the PD, APDs, OC, and super councillors... mervyn. fred. zhen qin. quek. chloe. xiaoyun. and many others...
And also the other councillors: denise. lixian. james. yvonne. shuhui. terence. edwin. benny. anthony. hannah. jun hui. carine. renhong. joo chuan. lihui. dennis. crystal. christine. shifeng. yong feng. chee kian. qian wen. and also the rest of the councillors whom I do not know yet =P

It was a really fun camp, and I'm missing it already. Haha. Well, there's always next year right? Heh. Thanks to all the people that made the camp possible... It was a really great feeling.

Oh and on saturday that just passed, ie the day that camp ended, soph and I went to play youth pairs... Well we had some incredibly bad luck and didnt do as well as we should have, but... I'll keep working hard!

Oh... And I've been tagged...Its quite a long tag too... Here it is:
10 Favs:
Fav ice cream flavour: None in particular, cause I dont have a sweet tooth. But if you want me to choose... vanilla it'll be
Fav colour: Blue and its lighter shades... Its a nice colour.
Fav food: Ahhhh... Dont really have a preference, but it'll have to be carrot I guess =pPp
Fav cartoon: I remember very very long ago, when I was still in p5, there was this cartoon called Highlander. One of those outstanding human-hero-fights-evil type.
Fav song: Hmm there's too many...But the one that really struck me would be Mariah Carey's Hero.
Fav book: Also too many, but I'll settle for the Harry Potter series.
Fav movie: Still too many! But the tear-jerking ones are the best! Like Deep Impact, Monsters Inc., etc etc.
Fav sport: Hmm... Dont have any leh...
Fav season: Spring... Cause its a great time for rejoicing.
Fav day of the week: Hmm it'll have to be wednesday? Cause I can sleep in. Lol.

9 currents:
current song: 宝贝对不起
current mood: joyous and happy! ecstatic! Haha... Life has a reason after all!
current book: Overlord: General Pete Quesada and the Triumph of Tactical Air Power in World War II. Its a war history book.
current subject studying: none? Though I ought to get started soon.
current thought: How happy I am and how to make myself happier and how to move on.
current time: 1535 on 26th June 2006... just woke up
current toenail colour: none... I dont colour them.
current girlfriend: none. Still waiting.
current wish: To make the world a happier place for everyone and for myself! And also to heal and move on...

7 Firsts:
1st best friend: In p5 I suppose... A guy by the name of Lucius... Dunno where he is now though xD
1st crush: Way back in pri sch la...
1st movie: Think it was some canto movie or some horror creepy-crawlie movie... Cant remember.
1st piercing: None.
1st handphone: in J1, Nokia 8250, for my youth flying club activities :D
1st sport: Bridge
1st pet: A couple of chicks that stayed in my house for a few days. Cant remember what happened to them. Heh.

Lasts:
Last cigarette: None...Never even had a first.
Last drink: Wow... That's gotta be the cup of water I had this morning (26th) before sleeping.
Last car ride: Last monday... On the way to fong seng. heh.
Last crush: Ehhhhh. This one's too recent. Not gonna reveal it.
Last movie seen: Hmm an old one that I viewed on my comp... Back to the Future III, cause I also cant remember when was the last time I caught one in a cinema.
Last phone call: Er... My mum... called me from home 2 days ago.
Last sms: Hmm.. Sophia... Just 2 minutes ago at 1543.
Last song: Deep, by Collide.

Have you ever:
Dated one of your best friends: Er... Dont think so... Yup
Broken the law: Well, not blatantly. Yeah.
Been arrested: Nope
Skinny dipped: Nope
Been on TV: Hmm... Maybe once or twice in the background... definitely not in the foreground.
Kissed someone you didnt know: No of course not.

5 things you're wearing:
My CJ pe shorts, underwear, singlet. Yeah thats about it.

4 things I've done today: (Includes early this morning before I went to sleep right? =P)
I blogged, played dota, talked to my freshies, and made plans for later tonight!

3 things I can hear right now: The msg tone of my handphone! The song 宝贝对不起 looping on my media player! And the sound of my typing! Heh.

2 things you cant live without: My computer, yeah. And er... gosh there's so many things... Well the second one will be... Love I guess. Yeah, cant live without that. Heh.

Things you do when you're bored: Bridge, dota, sleep, stone, chat, play PS2, read, eat. Yeah, thats quite a bit.

5 people to do this quiz... Eh... I'd rather not arrow people. Heh.

Well, on a more serious note...
The camp did much towards healing me, and when I came back from camp, I was surprised to receive an email...
Well that accounts for a plethora of feelings... But I shall cross my fingers and hope that everything turns out for the best. All cross together with me k!

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. - Allan K. Chalmers

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Monday, June 19, 2006

I trod across Collide's Deep in the album Beneath the Skin while blog surfing. If you people have time you should pick it up from me. Its a great song and its tempo totally describes my feelings now.
I realise this is the first time I've felt better in a long time.
Its 0435 am.
Its the best time in the world to do some reflection.
I just dont think I can sleep if I went to bed now...
A plethora of thoughts running through my head now... who? when? how?...
Memories of the incident flood back...
Before I started this post, I re-read a personal note addressed to me. It was very touching. I almost teared.
And I realise that now I dont dislike jia you so much. Maybe I'm even beginning to like it.
And it got me thinking... About life. About everything.
The proverbial brick wall. Again and again. Still I refuse to give up.
And then... suddenly it hits me. I have grown up. I have learned. Just as Squall did, I have learned. And I have learned well. Learned how to stand on my own two feet. Learned better the art of self-healing. Learned that we do not live alone.
These past few weeks have been tumultuous, to say the least.
I would like to thank a few people (not in order of importance... they are all equally important):
During this time, all I cared about was to kill the pain
Mei - She did not walk into my life for no reason. For that same reason, she will always be in my life. A source of grief, yes, but she will learn as I have learned, and I firmly believe that one day, she will never fail to bring a smile to my face, and vice-versa.
to numb myself totally, creating an alternate reality to live in
Zin - A listening ear. A good one, at that. Our paths were destined to cross. She is also part of the force that kicked me back to reality.
only to realise that I've distanced myself from the world
CH - I will forever remember her as the girl with a smile. The one who puts the happiness of others before her own. And the one who talks to me in CAPS the most =)
and sometimes I wonder when it will be
Jas - Already it seems I know you from somewhere else a long time ago. The day you dropped in on me with that line... I was really moved. Really. I wish you and leto the best.
before I go back to the way I was before all this started
Henry aka leto - The most scaredy cat guy in dota that I've ever known. He, however, can take, and dish out, damage. He along with his cousin, are my most frequent dota buddies. And the time spent, as they say, is comradeship. Also called "numbing time" =)
and it scares me that i may never will.
YH - The girl who never fails to liven up my tagboard. Also called "spammer", but hey, life would be dull without her, so what the heck :)
I know that someday, this has to stop.
Wanling aka my buddy - The one who's been in my life since forever =). Also has the longest hair (of all the people I know) and asks me the weirdest questions and likes to look inside my wallet, pda, and handphone for no apparent reason. The lunches together, the walks we've had, the outings we've had, the things we've done... I'll never forget them.
Kind of reminds me of final fantasy 7
Sophia aka my local new partner - She's so quirky that she always makes me laugh. Comparable to my bridge sessions with hongjun. Also shares two common dislikes (people) with me, and as they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Even more so when this friend is my partner. She makes bridge sessions more enjoyable, and I think its important to enjoy further the game I like a lot already. I have high hopes for us.
where cloud lives his imagination
Viv - Although she hasnt been in my life for very long, it feels as though I've known her forever already. Straightforward and frank, she has helped a great deal, although she does not yet know it. I will, likewise, do what I can to make her smile.
and tifa brought him back to reality.
Anna - One of the Filipino youth team bridge players. She, along with the younger mhay, drop in on me frequently just to say hi. They are nice people, and even though they dont really know what its like to be a youth in singapore, they are doing a pretty good job of empathizing.
I want to experience a fairy tale
Shirlee - A somewhat quirky persona. Doesnt come online very often nowadays, but she sure can make her presence felt when she wants to. Hope to talk more in future.
Even if its only once...
my angel - Dont know if I can call you that now...
But you made me see how harsh reality can be. It was a good experience and lesson learned. I ought to thank you.
AND TO THE MANY MANY OTHER PEOPLE WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE WHO I AM TODAY: shifeng marcia lixian puayfang wenbin florence tzehwee shuhui michelle alex pujue kenneth and many many others...
Well, I suppose its time I return to reality, to the real world, where there's pain and anger and suffering, but also love, hope, and joy. I dont think I'll give up on the world... There's too many surprises waiting out there...
As viv has mentioned, she will do what she can to leave her past behind, and she hopes I can do the same.
And I understand that other people will grapple with and suppress their negative emotions and appear happy so as not to affect others around them.
And then I set to wonder
However... I cannot, and will not, do the same. If I am truly unhappy, I will show it to the world. I do not want to hide it behind a mask of joy. I do not want to become (more) cynical and have (more) facades, and eventually end up like you-know-who. That is me. I refuse to change.
What will happen to me now? To us? In the future? Life goes on, as they say. To a certain degree, time can heal things. But time is not omnipotent...
I have learned. Learned to be myself. To be a better person.
I will continue my life in the hope that one day, you can accept me for who I am, and then some... because deep down I know that I am a good person...
So now you know... If one day you see me happy... Then you can be 100% sure that I AM really happy.
Well I suppose thats about it... If you have taken the trouble to read thus far, I'm sure that you'll know me better...
Time flies...It is now 0537. I should head to bed. Tatas.
Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone.
- C.S. Lewis
If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough. - Ann Landers

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Sunday, June 18, 2006

I suppose... This is as good a time to write something as any...

I'll be going for camp tomorrow till saturday... And then there's youth pairs on saturday. My resolution: to win. I will settle for no less.

I suppose this is it then. Till we meet again, my blog.

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Monday, June 12, 2006

Eyes on Me

Whenever sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Oh, did you ever know?
That I had mine on you

*Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Suddenly I am reminded of an incident in which someone I trusted threw away my trust. It pains me that the person did so blatantly and unblinkingly.

-sometimes a small white lie is much much less painful than the big black truth.

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