mY fAIryTalE_

Monday, June 19, 2006

I trod across Collide's Deep in the album Beneath the Skin while blog surfing. If you people have time you should pick it up from me. Its a great song and its tempo totally describes my feelings now.
I realise this is the first time I've felt better in a long time.
Its 0435 am.
Its the best time in the world to do some reflection.
I just dont think I can sleep if I went to bed now...
A plethora of thoughts running through my head now... who? when? how?...
Memories of the incident flood back...
Before I started this post, I re-read a personal note addressed to me. It was very touching. I almost teared.
And I realise that now I dont dislike jia you so much. Maybe I'm even beginning to like it.
And it got me thinking... About life. About everything.
The proverbial brick wall. Again and again. Still I refuse to give up.
And then... suddenly it hits me. I have grown up. I have learned. Just as Squall did, I have learned. And I have learned well. Learned how to stand on my own two feet. Learned better the art of self-healing. Learned that we do not live alone.
These past few weeks have been tumultuous, to say the least.
I would like to thank a few people (not in order of importance... they are all equally important):
During this time, all I cared about was to kill the pain
Mei - She did not walk into my life for no reason. For that same reason, she will always be in my life. A source of grief, yes, but she will learn as I have learned, and I firmly believe that one day, she will never fail to bring a smile to my face, and vice-versa.
to numb myself totally, creating an alternate reality to live in
Zin - A listening ear. A good one, at that. Our paths were destined to cross. She is also part of the force that kicked me back to reality.
only to realise that I've distanced myself from the world
CH - I will forever remember her as the girl with a smile. The one who puts the happiness of others before her own. And the one who talks to me in CAPS the most =)
and sometimes I wonder when it will be
Jas - Already it seems I know you from somewhere else a long time ago. The day you dropped in on me with that line... I was really moved. Really. I wish you and leto the best.
before I go back to the way I was before all this started
Henry aka leto - The most scaredy cat guy in dota that I've ever known. He, however, can take, and dish out, damage. He along with his cousin, are my most frequent dota buddies. And the time spent, as they say, is comradeship. Also called "numbing time" =)
and it scares me that i may never will.
YH - The girl who never fails to liven up my tagboard. Also called "spammer", but hey, life would be dull without her, so what the heck :)
I know that someday, this has to stop.
Wanling aka my buddy - The one who's been in my life since forever =). Also has the longest hair (of all the people I know) and asks me the weirdest questions and likes to look inside my wallet, pda, and handphone for no apparent reason. The lunches together, the walks we've had, the outings we've had, the things we've done... I'll never forget them.
Kind of reminds me of final fantasy 7
Sophia aka my local new partner - She's so quirky that she always makes me laugh. Comparable to my bridge sessions with hongjun. Also shares two common dislikes (people) with me, and as they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Even more so when this friend is my partner. She makes bridge sessions more enjoyable, and I think its important to enjoy further the game I like a lot already. I have high hopes for us.
where cloud lives his imagination
Viv - Although she hasnt been in my life for very long, it feels as though I've known her forever already. Straightforward and frank, she has helped a great deal, although she does not yet know it. I will, likewise, do what I can to make her smile.
and tifa brought him back to reality.
Anna - One of the Filipino youth team bridge players. She, along with the younger mhay, drop in on me frequently just to say hi. They are nice people, and even though they dont really know what its like to be a youth in singapore, they are doing a pretty good job of empathizing.
I want to experience a fairy tale
Shirlee - A somewhat quirky persona. Doesnt come online very often nowadays, but she sure can make her presence felt when she wants to. Hope to talk more in future.
Even if its only once...
my angel - Dont know if I can call you that now...
But you made me see how harsh reality can be. It was a good experience and lesson learned. I ought to thank you.
AND TO THE MANY MANY OTHER PEOPLE WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE WHO I AM TODAY: shifeng marcia lixian puayfang wenbin florence tzehwee shuhui michelle alex pujue kenneth and many many others...
Well, I suppose its time I return to reality, to the real world, where there's pain and anger and suffering, but also love, hope, and joy. I dont think I'll give up on the world... There's too many surprises waiting out there...
As viv has mentioned, she will do what she can to leave her past behind, and she hopes I can do the same.
And I understand that other people will grapple with and suppress their negative emotions and appear happy so as not to affect others around them.
And then I set to wonder
However... I cannot, and will not, do the same. If I am truly unhappy, I will show it to the world. I do not want to hide it behind a mask of joy. I do not want to become (more) cynical and have (more) facades, and eventually end up like you-know-who. That is me. I refuse to change.
What will happen to me now? To us? In the future? Life goes on, as they say. To a certain degree, time can heal things. But time is not omnipotent...
I have learned. Learned to be myself. To be a better person.
I will continue my life in the hope that one day, you can accept me for who I am, and then some... because deep down I know that I am a good person...
So now you know... If one day you see me happy... Then you can be 100% sure that I AM really happy.
Well I suppose thats about it... If you have taken the trouble to read thus far, I'm sure that you'll know me better...
Time flies...It is now 0537. I should head to bed. Tatas.
Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone.
- C.S. Lewis
If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough. - Ann Landers