mY fAIryTalE_

Friday, March 31, 2006

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=12721960859055255705

the Peacemaker
"I am at peace"
Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me
If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this.
Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
Ask me questions to help me get clear.
Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
Let me know you like what I've done or said.
Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

What I Like About Being a Nine
being nonjudgmental and accepting
caring for and being concerned about others
being able to relax and have a good time
knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being a Nine
being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
being confused about what I really want
caring too much about what others will think of me
not being listened to or taken seriously

Nines as Children Often
feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
tune out a lot, especially when others argue
are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Nines as Parents
are supportive, kind, and warm are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

the Romantic
you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.
"I am unique"
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me
Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four
my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
my ability to establish warm connections with people
admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
being unique and being seen as unique by others
having aesthetic sensibilities
being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four
experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
feeling guilty when I disappoint people
feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
expecting too much from myself and life
fearing being abandoned
obsessing over resentments
longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often
have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
are very sensitive
feel that they don't fit in
believe they are missing something that other people have
attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents
help their children become who they really are
support their children's creativity and originality
are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
are sometimes overly critical or overly protective are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Koped from chieh and i think xuet did this a while ago. So.
Both describe similar parts of me. So basically yes, this is how I work, what makes me tick.
Most of it is correct, up to an astonishing 90% for the first one and up to 70% for the second. I decided to post both, as you can see. The parts dealing with empathy, empathic powers and feelings are the ones that are most accurate.

So yes, I know all of you are reading this. I want to rediscover the empath in me. I want the old me that had an abundance of feelings. I want the old me that felt for other people. I want the old passionate me, the one that could love and needed to be loved. I want the old me that did not have a steel heart. I want all of that, and more.

I want to sidetrack a little:

For you:
You possess the mental capacity to think. You are bright and brilliant. Yet, however, you are looking but not seeing. You are hearing and yet not listening. You are feeling but not understanding. You would go far, if only you had that little bit of help. You need me.

Face the world with an open mind,
See the world with eyes wide open,
Feel the world with an open heart.
Look not at the past but at the present,
can you not hear the pleas for help?
Look not at the past but into the future,
can you not foresee the inevitable?
Spread your wings and fly,
but do not seperate from the pack,
Else you'll only see nothingness ahead,
And nothingness behind.

You made me think about a lot of things, review a lot of things. You also made me and YOU realise a lot of things. If you'd allow, I'll help you and help myself in the process.

For You:
You feel for others. You think for others. But you do not think enough for yourself. You will have to learn selfishness, to move from "others" to "me". You will have to learn that this is a harsh world, where the only shelter is within yourself and whoever deserves to have you extend that shelter to. You will have to learn that you are not alone. You need me, and vice-versa.

See yourself in others,
see yourself in yourself.
Take a step back,
view the bigger picture.
Take a step back,
relive the regrets.
Take a step back,
relive the joys.
Take a step back,
see the universe.
Take a step forward,
with confidence and audacity.
From ashes to ashes.

You made me learn a lot. You made me a better person. You let me re-learn the importance of thinking for others, feeling for others. I have taken from you, you have taken from me. But you have not taken away enough from me.

For YOU:
You understand how the world works. You see people's needs. You feel for people. You live life as it is. Alas you did not realise that it was not enough. You sometimes cannot see what you need. You sometimes dont even know what you need. Above all, you need to learn that playing "cops-and-robbers" and weathering heavy thunderstorms without shelter is detrimental to you. You need me. And I need you.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
Cry, and I alone cry with you.
Do not be afraid to be brave,
because it is what you are.
Do not be afraid to bare your soul,
because it is what you need.
Do not bear the weight of the world on your shoulders,
because you will crumble.
Face the sky and shout "cogito ergo sum,"
because it is who you really are.

Yes you are self-sufficient. And perhaps you just needed me to come along to make you even more so. But I want you to know me for what I am, to see me for what I am, to need me for what I am.
And before blowing someone else's shelter down, make sure you are willing to share yours with that someone. :D

For me:
(perhaps one day I will post this. But I would rather either You or YOU post this)

Having said all that...I want to find myself.

I realise that I blog most often when I am feeling. This is good.
-hugs self. hugs everyone. hugs world.-

Random muse: No matter how shattered the heart is, no matter how many pieces it breaks into, it will still go on beating. And perhaps someday, an angel will mend it. -timetraveller

Do you simply walk up to God and ask, "May I have an angel please?"
-timetraveller

Searching for the old self - timetraveller

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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Its 0034, and I'm listening (again) to Suteki Da Ne. A beautiful beautiful song. So ok, we had lunch today (when i say today i actually mean yesterday in context). More specifically I had lunch and she talked.

I thought long, deep, and hard.

Is utopia ever possible with mankind? When will people learn to set aside their differences, set aside their hatred, and learn to view the world with a big heart?

Just for the record, there is only one person in this world that I absolutely hate. Hate to the core. Maybe 5, 10 years later I'll still hate that person, maybe not. But the fact is hate exists. I am not perfect.

And there are some who are so blinded by circumstance, (false) faith, (false) belief, and power, that they simply cannot see ten metres in front of themselves.

What happened to bringing more love into this world; making it a better place? -timetraveller

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Monday, March 27, 2006

I realise I've been very cryptic. I still think sunday deserves a post. I dont know why, but it just seems...

Again, continuing from below:

...Then saturday came and went, cutting a swath of destruction in its wake. Erick and I managed to finish 3rd student pair despite horrible luck and even worse performance. Opponents' competition was always making, and he mishandled a strong club auction that ended up in him playing a 4-1 fit when 3NT was laydown.

However someone opened up to me that very night. Lets call her L. Xuet tells me that maybe I have this innate quality that makes people know they can trust me. And guess what? They are right.
And you know what? You were right to trust me too.
It kind of surprised me too. The way it happened.
I just hope that this can continue. Forever.

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Is it not my nature to help whenever I can?

Apparently so.

Crisis.

Had a talk with some people. Gained some new insights. Maybe I can earn myself a new protege. Maybe.

Will elaborate more on the previous post and this post next time, probably next monday.

Ok. This is a follow-up on the follow-up the previous post:

...So at this point, I still had no idea of the underlying situation, and I was talking to my presumed new protege. Let's call this person T. T seemed to be reluctant to talk, to say the least. I was thinking (perhaps very mistakenly) that T would be my next protege. However it was not to be so...

(to be continued next post)

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Monday, March 20, 2006

Got to know a few new friends today...

Always interesting to make new friends.

More on that later...

Alright. Its tuesday morning on the way to school, and its time to get those random thoughts sorted out.

First off, 4 people contributing to 2.75 new friends. 2 are of course emmaline and petrina, 0.5 is matthew cause I already sort of knew him before this, and 0.25 is due to uhm... Jenny? I think that was her name. Didnt really talk to her though...

(more on next post above)

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

Drifting...drifting...drifting...drifting...

Will I ever come to a halt?

Searching...searching...searching...

Will the search ever end?

No... I guess the answer is no... Not until an angel comes along.

My angel.

Wishing upon a star - timetraveller

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

First things first.
If there's two things I hate, its being threatened and having people throw the rulebook at me.

I've had enough of that from my mum, so do NOT ever EVER threaten me. EVER.

Rules were made by men, they were also meant to be broken. But know this: You want to play ball in my court, you play by MY rules. If not get lost!

One more thing. I hate people putting me down. I've been ridiculed, jeered at, sneered at, laughed at and mocked at by people all my life. Puhhlease. You all think you're some primary school kids? GET A LIFE!!

Apparently I realised something very important. And I will do something about it.

So on to happier stuff.

A lot of people dont know what I look for in a girl (I think I've posted this sometime before), and indeed what I look for are very intriguing qualities. They are (in order of importance):
1) Intelligence - Someone who cant carry out intelligent conversation? I think I'd rather die.
2) Empathy
3) Inner beauty
4) Looks (long hair is preferable)

Ok so I think everyone has different opinions on what qualities 3 and 4 mean. Let me emphasise a little on what my first two mean.
To a lot of people, intelligence simply means being smart. Right? But its not the case with me.
What I want is someone who can entertain me and be entertained by me, with intelligent conversation. Sounds like a lot to ask.
What is empathy? A dictionary defines it as being able to feel for others. Yeah. I have that ability, and it seems to have waned, and I admire people with that same ability.

All the above stuff is not open for discussion. Thank you very much.

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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Ahhhh finally. Hello again my blog. Have you been well?
I figured that if I didnt start soon I'd never get started. The procrastination must stop! There's so many things I want to say.

Lets start with 3 weeks ago... the week before chinese new year. It was an ordinary tuesday like any other, if memory serves me well...

And the draft of the post stopped here. There's too much to be said, just too much.

Well here goes nothing.

Its now 5 weeks (as opposed to the 3 weeks stated above) due to further procrastination. I still remember what happened on tuesday. When I walked into the lift at my block (I think I was coming home from school), there was this kid that smiled at me. A smile of pure innocence. If only I had a camera to capture that moment. It was a winning smile, a touching smile. And it made my day.

The next significant event happened on the thursday of that same week. On the way to school. I had decided to take a bus at 830am. Which turned out to be very wrong... There were lots of polytechnic students and the buses were crowded. Thats right. Buses. I must have missed at least 4. Was so ticked off. Well what to do... We all learn from mistakes. So I got on this bus in the end, got myself a seat and prepared to snooze. It was about 9 and I was already at least a half hour late. Rather than sit and chide myself for having made a bad decision I just decided to sleep it off. So it was, and there was this girl beside me, also snoozing. We all know how we can involuntary lean to one side while snoozing (I learnt to control it years ago). Apparently this girl was so tired that she gradually leaned over till her weight was upon me. I seriously did not consider this to be a problem till her head was on my shoulder. Hmm. Being the perfect gentleman I gently pushed her away which woke her up (naturally) and made her quite embarassed. I must confess its the first time it ever happened to me. Lots of girls out there will have experiences of guys (un)knowingly doing this all the time, but as for the guys out there? How many times has it happened to you with a girl? None I suppose. Girls are supposed to be so prudent. Hmm. Well, it was about time for her to alight anyway (and no, people snoozing on buses and trains are fully capable of waking themselves up when they get to their destination; it has to do with the sub-conscious) at SP. On second thoughts she was a cute chick...

Let us assume for simplicity's sake that nothing else happened between then and now, and I'll do my best not to be philosophical.

So...

Life is semi-bad.

Ugh. Its not possible to pretend 5 weeks never happened ok?

So uhm... I guess I've been lazing around for 5 weeks. Yay. I crave more holidays. Keep thinking when the 3 month break will come.

Doesnt sound very promising does it? You want to talk studies? Fine. Modern physics is okay. In fact its simple. Less so for electricity and magnetism topics. I just cant describe why. As for classical mechanics and statistical mechanics? They're downright killers. Ok its cause I havent been doing my reading and deriving and such. But its just abstract in the worst sense of the word. Its a couple hundred pages of mathematics and you're supposed to understand the physics from it. Absolutely disgusting. And it doesnt even feel like I'm taking Genes and Soc!! Something is very very wrong.

Right. Enough rambling. On to happier stuff. Well I dont know if you can call it happier or not. Its about bridge. I mean, there's lots of stuff that make me happy, but bridge is for the most part, the one with the highest frequency. For one, it takes away the boredom of a school week. For another, Erick and I got 2nd student pair in the NTU open. Granted, its not the best result in the world, and we ended up 8th overall, but we both decided that we were performing way under par for that day. Possibly the rain caused it. Lol joking. But thats at least something to rejoice about. My first bridge trophy!! Well for one thing bridge tourneys seldom give out trophies. For another, my cupboard is already bursting with all my chess trophies. There's about 15 or so I think. Anyway coming back to the main point... Its the 8th week now... and Erick and I have only had one system discussion session so far! This is cos of all the holidays and such occuring during the weeks when we were supposed to have discussion. So the next one is next tuesday. Better make the most of it, methinks. This is bad, in a way. We were supposed to implement the new system fully by the end of this semester...
Right... who else havent I written about...?
Of course its that person.
She's been taking lessons from me.
And today was only the second session, also largely due to saturday commitments and tests and whatnot. I must say progress is slow, but there is progress, albeit too slowly. Ok I just repeated myself in the same sentence. So, progress is slow, and I foresee even slower progress due to exams and such. Ugh.

I wish...
it were not this way
I wish...
I had a guardian angel
I wish...
I had a guiding hand
Well no use grumbling. Hmm...

I realised that I haven't played a single dota game for close to 2 months. Or even more. The PS2 addiction has come back! In the form of Resident Evil 4. Ugh. Just dont want to complete The Mercenaries... But maybe I'll do it anyway... During the holidays that is. Yeah, my gaming life is now boring too. How sad...

Anyway I felt very strange today
Really really strange
I cant describe it
Except that maybe it was a premonition of things to come
Perhaps it was nothing at all
Maybe I was just scaring myself
Or maybe there really is something
I dont know anymore

I told myself this would be a really long post. Guess I've sort of fulfilled it.
But no its not the end yet
Then again, there's so much more I want to say.
Did you know, mei, that the thing I wanted to talk to you about
I dont know how to continue...
Actually has to do with your leadership abilities
Hmm lets start with more(!) resolutions for the rest of the semester
Some people are born leaders, others are not
First up would be of course to revise as much as possible.
While it may be possible to learn how to be one
Then next up would be to do as many problems as possible.
I think whats important is the X-factor
Wow I can see I'm in for it already.
It is innate
And next on the list of priorities, would be to attempt to finish discussing the system with erick.
And I dont think you have it
Well I guess that list is pretty extensive.
And you're trying to press on so hard
Oh there is one more thing!
You cant even see where you're heading
Its about driving!!
I dont want to see you struggling futilely
I dont know when I'm gonna get started too! Argh.
Dont you know it pains me to see you in agony
Daniel also hasnt done it, so we can do it together.
I just want you to be a normal person
Must remember to call him to check.
And I wish you would grow up
Well, its 0334 hours already. And I've gotta study for the 44 test tomorrow. Guess thats it for now. Tatas blog. Goodnight.

If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them. - Mohandas K. Gandhi

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