mY fAIryTalE_

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Stick a knife into me and slowly twist it round and round in the wound.

removing the bullet lodged in it...

This is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Maybe I should just go kill myself. The world will be a much happier place then.

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Friday, May 26, 2006

Ok. So I'm the bad guy who has no chance at all of clearing his name. So be it.
Whatever I say now wont make a difference anyway.
If you were going to believe me in the first place, the seeds of doubt would have been sown and been given a chance to be eradicated, or they would have never appeared at all.
Sadly, that hasn't happened. Probably never will.
Some things cannot be taken at face value.

Meanwhile, life goes on, albeit with a different meaning.

But I just cant believe that you, who have gone through so many compromised friendships and betrayed trusts, could say that to me. I thought you knew better how one feels. I thought you would empathise with my condition, but apparently never having been through 45 hours without sleep yourself, its natural you wont understand how it feels. I understand.

Dont believe everything you hear. Most of it is exaggerated and the rest are lies.
After 11 years, the full meaning of those words hit me.

Maybe I should just clam up and keep everything to myself. The world would be a much better place if nobody knows anything about me. But no, thats wrong. There are people that care. I firmly believe that. Which is why I tell people stuff about me. Which is why when something happens I have the urge to just tell somebody close about it, because I know I'll feel better immediately after that, and the other party will also get a chance to know me better.

Ok. A lot of bad energy went into that. And I'm still not feeling myself.
Not surprisingly, I feel........................... lonely.
Life, however, goes on, with or without me.
So now I see how it is. The world would be a better place without me.

been lied to so many times i lost count
sometimes i wonder if my existence is superfluous, meant for the world to make fun of me - timetraveller

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Hmm. I think I slacked from last thursday to saturday. Then I went down for tuition on sunday.
Monday was a day I spent in school, with two camp trials.

Tuesday, went for tuition in the afternoon, went for bridge, partnered soph. Will play with her again next tues.

Tuesday night, keeping to agreement (ok a little out, cause it was 0028), I arrived home at 0005, and by the time I crawled into bed it was 0028. However I couldnt sleep. Kept tossing and turning, and finally I turned to my book to help me sleep. I think it had the opposite effect though, and I was still tossing at 0200, so I went back online, found leto, talked till 3, then caught daniel online, and we 3 played some silly worms-like action game till 0645. Talked some more with leto, then went for 3.5 km run at 0730, reached home at nearly 15 to 8, rest, relaxed, had a bath, had some breakfast, and set off for sentosa at 1000. Played at sentosa till 1750, went for dinner at Dragon's Gate restaurant at harbour front. My recommendation, expensive but good food xD. We spent $214 for 8 people buffet dinner. A 25-course dinner. Heh. Then went home really tired. Finally turned in around 0030. Total time: 47 hours without sleep.

Today. Went to school to give lesson to the juniors. Played until late at night. Yup. And I realised I hurt my ankle, near the achilles. Was in agony with all the staircases and all that walking. But as usual, I bore with it.

when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Think its about time I blogged. Actually wanted to write in detail about last thursday, but guess I'll briefly talk about it.

Lets see. On last thursday, erick and I played against ey and gx. There were 4 spectacular hands. One was a 7NT that made on a finesse bid and played by me, one was a 6D bid and played by erick that just made, but could be +1. Another was a 3 suit squeeze played as an automatic double squeeze against gx, and another simple squeeze against ey. All in the span of 20 boards. Amazing odds of them occuring, I tell you.

Friday. I think we played more. Ya we did. At night. And I told my tuition kid I wasnt going down cause I wanted to sleep in to rest more. And I felt so bad cause his exam was on monday.

Then came saturday. The first half was irreparable. 'Nuff said.
Slept late on saturday preparing sunday's stuff. 0340.

Sunday morning. Was awake too early to believe it. Went through the morning and afternoon quite okay. It was mother's day too. I cant believe I totally forgot about it and didnt get my mum anything, but I did wish her. And well, my heart goes out to....
The day ended quite traumatically for angel. I still cant believe that. Such people exist. And she. Well. I was annoyed at her. Yeah I dont deny that. But well, it passed. Hope she's well.

Monday. Tuition routine. Nothing special.

Tuesday. Yesterday. Now this day was hectic. Meeting in the morning in school. Okay. Ended around lunch. Went back home to get ready for... stuff. Then finished at around 1810. Rushed back to school while picking up dinner along the way. On the way there... Something happened. Made me feel kinda depressed.
Actually when you turned around, I wanted to reach out, grab you, and say something, but I didnt move, and nothing came out.
Managed arrive in time to play the 2nd round while we sat out the first round. And it made me feel again how fun it was to play with hj. Haha. And we only played 16 boards cause of sit out 4 boards. Anyway we ended up 2nd due to some stupid mistakes, but it was good enough.
So when I reached home, it was time to attack that depression. During a long phone call to angel, it got better, then it dipped again, due to certain revelations. But well. It should be better. Slept at 0400.

Wednesday. Again pushed tuition away. I better not make it a habit. Slept in till 4pm. Answered a few sms'es along the way. Woke up, felt stoned, and indeed, did stone. At night. Talked to people. Planned a little for the next week. Yup.

Actually, there's lots of stuff I have to do, like plan for the following month and such. But I cant find the mood to do it. I told myself I'll do it after I get out of the bath at 8pm. But I still didnt find the mood. Hmmm. Ohwells.

We are born with the natural tendency to forget memories. It is, more often than not, enough for us to forget our unhappy moments. -timetraveller

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Hmm. Today (yesterday) was an interesting day. Woke up at about. 11? OH. 1120. Yup. Then dillydallied a little, brushed my teeth and had some bread for breakfast. Decided I couldnt eat anymore, then I went to bathe, by which time it was 1230. After putting some things in order, I was ready to set out at 1240. Then I thought to myself, I was going to be late. But still got to go right? So setting off on the journey towards school, I got onto this bus which was super hot and like a sauna -.-. Was sweating profusely. And I was a little dehydrated to begin with, and at the end of the journey it felt like I was going to be sick. Hmm. Then I passed by a 7-11. Went inside, came out with a 1.5 litre bottle of lemon tea. Finished 1/3 of that in one minute. A second 1/3 in 30 minutes, and the last 1/3 lasted me throughout the afternoon.

Reached school half an hour earlier than my designated meeting time. Went to science canteen, bought myself a doughnut. That was my lunch, yup. Then mei called at 2 minutes past 1430. And in the end she got quite confused and lost because... of a few reasons, inclusive of bad directions and murphy's law (dont we all love the guy). Anyway. After half an hour of wandering around I found her and we hopped onto the bus down to PGP and erick's room. His room was. Small and stuffy. And dusty. Haha. We were cautioned about a broken doorknob but not the fact that he didnt clean his fan. ie I turned on the fan full blast and dust was everywhere. Haha. Ok so I cleaned up the mess lor. No choice wad. But eh. Apologies about the bed, erick. Haha.

Ya. Gave mei her lesson. Turns out she brought the wrong notebook. Gave me quite a few white hairs in the process too, but everything went alright I guess. At least she understands why stuff works that way. Maybe I speak too fast. Hmm. Anyway, halfway during the lesson it rained, and as if I wasnt sticky enough to begin with, it got even more humid -.-. No choice, had to take a shower after the lesson. No towel. Make do lor. Cant have everything what. And mei seemed a little... worn out after the lesson. Understandable la. Good luck for your 3 tests today.

Went for bridge. Played horribly. So did erick. And we finished positive one imp. WOW. I am impressed. Despite defending 90% of the exciting hands and being declarer for only one board, I think the evening had a happy end. Eugene was clearing stuff. I came home with 4 extra bridge books (I took back my one from mei), a few notebooks, a bridge cd, called "An introduction to contract bridge", and roughly ten decks of old cards, and so far, having opened the top two packs, they are plastic cards. Wooooo. So there, happy incident.

Went home after that. Think the bus driver broke all speed records. Went up the bus at 2323. I arrived home at 2357(!!) Amazing people, night-shift bus drivers. Machiam taxi drivers like that. So came home. Talked to my angel. Maybe my good spirits lifted hers. I think I was a little high earlier. Anyway, we talked on the phone after that. (And I enjoyed every moment of that fifty-nine minutes and nineteen seconds of that. You hear that? You badegg you. =) xD) Hmm. It was a nice way to wind down after a long day, I suppose, to converse with her, despite the topics near the end =). Eh. Lets do it often! Wheee.

Oh, and while we were talking, I was standing at my kitchen window. The night sky was fabulous. 2 cloud formations drifted by, and lightning flashed incessantly in the distance, illuminating random small parts of the sky with a little brilliance and making those parts almost as bright as day.

Haha anyway I sort of get why you feel cheated, but er. I have a feeling she's not going to be happy that I'm still awake. I did promise her to sleep early. Besides, I have to get up at 0630 later to go to school for a csc camp councillor's briefing, then I'll camp out in erick's room, then I'll go town to meet my (last year's) csc group. Whee. Long day ahead. Okok I'll go right to bed after this post. Yup. Ok. Time to go bed. Yups. Nitey night. -hugs self. -hugs angel. -hugs world.

Edit: Its now 0719. I woke up at 0709, having managed finally to fall asleep at 0400.

While plugging my phone into the charger at around 0230, I breathed in a flying insect. EEEYER. Dont know what's going to happen to the insect or me. I think its in my lungs. Will I be safe??

Ohwell. Got to head to school soon. Time to begin another long day.

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

You know, after that previous post, I actually felt happier.

Went to bed.

Woke up with a dry mouth and a sore neck and a slight headache. Hmmm. Wonder why.

Anyway today is a busy day. To say the least. So is tomorrow. Harrumphs. We shall see what the day brings.

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Sunday, May 07, 2006

Yup so I decided in the shower that my day shouldnt be melancholic in lieu of the previous post. Anyway its fine now. Ya.

Anyway, hmm. The day has barely started. I'm looking forward to having a good day.

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If there is one thing anyone just has to learn about me, is you DO NOT piss me off within 2 hours of my waking up, or you will very soon feel the wrath of my fury and hear utterances you never believed I'd say.

Major pissed off. No you dont. NEVER EVER.

To everyone who is reading this. Let me tell you something.
In an argument, you NEVER EVER bring up ancient stuff, even if it happened only 1 hour ago. Bringing up ancient stuff serves to piss the other person off even more. Be civilised and keep on topic. The other person will respect that.
To the other 99.9999999999% of the world who wont read this, more than 75% of you are guilty of this.
I know I am not. So stfu and go away.

There. I felt better.

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Woke up at 0535. Diarrhoea. Went back to bed at 0547.

Someone rang my doorbell at 1125. Twice.

Someone called one of my house phones at 1135 and it rang for 45 seconds.

Guess what? I was sleeping.
Although I am conciously aware of these happenings, I totally ignore them and go back to sleep.
The only noises I wont ignore are from my handphone.
I mean, look, 99.99% of the time these are some stupid salesmen. I refuse to disturb my precious sleep pattern because of them.
I had planned to wake up at 3pm. Go figure.

Couldn't sleep anymore.
So thus I resigned myself to fate and woke up at 1138.

Another call came in at 1142. It was my grandmother. And all 3 times it was her. So much for that. This is the 2nd time she dropped in unannounced in two days. I mean, ok not her fault that I'm still sleeping, and even if she called first on the house phone I'll still ignore it. Nvm. Nvm. Nvm. Nvm. I actually have a few more things to say about the subject but they will remain unsaid, for the greater good of my karma. Not like my karma hasnt already hit rock bottom.
It has? Maybe. Maybe not. This is what happens when you wake me up in the morning when I dont have enough sleep. I'm still incoherent. See ya.

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Oh I was supposed to go sleep like one hour ago. But I needed a respite.
Anyway, I was just about to go sleep at 0210 , when it started raining. Standing at the window feeling the cool night air blow at my face, seeing the rain cascade off the roof of the stolid clocktower below, illuminated by the spotlight of the tower (which also illuminated rain cascading off the block near it), I had the sudden urge to blog and I knew I'd never get to bed without writing this entry. (For the record I had already set away mode and muted the sound and visited the toilet)
Well, the rain made me feel. refreshed. Invigorated. Didnt cause a rush of memories, but it just strongly compelled me to write this.
Its 0216, and the rain is much lighter now. There was thunder earlier.

Edit (@1155): I saw flashes of lightning at 0240 through the bedroom window.

Anyway, there was something else I wanted to say. Actually wanted to blog later when I woke up before the rain started, but since I'm here...

Well in case nobody has noticed, people with vibrant characters more often than not cheer me up a little when they dont know I'm down. I dont know how true this is for other people. Please tag and let me know.
Well I'm willing to bet its true. If people have no inkling you're down (if its nothing very very serious), and they come along with their vibrant character, more often than not I think you'll be turning up the corners of your mouth.
Conversely, even if so-and-so with such a character comes along and knows you're down and tries to cheer you up, you'll most likely stay down.
Think about it this way: When you know that the other person knows your situation and is trying to cheer you up, you feel its drudgery, that the person's just trying to accomodate you, make you feel a little better.
Now if the person didnt know to begin with, there's a touch of innocence involved. A pure sense of innocence. Thinking about it now, I think its very charming (note: I am neither coherent nor thinking straight at this point in time, so I might disagree with myself 10 hours later), just like a fairy tale.

Yup. Just my $0.02

TO see a World in a grain of sand,
And a Heaven in a wild flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour...
-William Blake

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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Well done. Lets see what happened.
Saturday. Last paper. Came home, slacked the rest of the night.
Sunday. Commenced phase one and phase A of house cleaning. Approximately 5 hours. Successful.
Monday. Continued sunday's work. Didnt do much though. Approximately 2 hours. Slept at 0400.
Tuesday. Continued monday's work, completed phase one and phase A, commenced phase 2 and phase B. Approximately 3 hours. Slept at 0445.
Wednesday. Again continuing from tuesday's work. Commenced phase 3 as well. 3 hours. Did system with erick. Bidding. 3 hours. Playing. 3 hours. Possibly more. Lost track. Slept at 0230.
Thursday. Today. Woke at 0745 to watch amazing race. Hippies survived elimination yet again. Is there no justice? Continued packing, phase 2 almost complete, started phase 4 and phase C. 4 hours(!). 25 boards with erick, gx and ey. another 2.5 hours. after dinner another 14 boards. Collapsing. Called for time out with erick. He also didnt want to play. No time. No time. Must force another 10 boards later.
Friday (tomorrow). Tuition kid. omg i must spend at least 3 hours with him. Am going clubhouse on errand after that. How how? How to fit everything? I will find a way or make one...
Match is on saturday...

And I still have time to blog.

Well done, mr. timetraveller. Well done. You just dug a deep hole and jumped right into it.

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Hmm. Exams are over. So much for that. It always happens. Been waiting for this day for very long, then when it comes, you have no idea what to do cause theres too much time on your hands.

Well, here's my to-do list:
1) Take good care of my angel.
2) Pack the house.
3) Arrange the stuff on my harddrives. There's 0.8 TB of it.
4) Give my tuition kid the attention he needs.
5) Teach bridge.
6) Revise the past 6 schooling years' worth of work.
7) Get in some play time.

Pretty exhaustive list.

Oh, and I've completed the tbc post on the 27th of march and decided on a topic for the post on the 30th of march. So much for that.

Well, phase one of packing the house has started. Remember there was one time I lost all my writings and works? Well, I just found one of them. Written by Xu Kangfei. Although I have no idea where she is now. Yup. And I spent 15 minutes painstakingly typing out the 1106 words of the essay. But it was worth it (and i realised my typing speed has deproved due to my long nails... Will cut them later). The story is an excellent one for a 14-year-old.

And I recently made headway on procuring plastic cards. Haha. So much for that. 4 or 5 decks should suffice. And for free too. Heh.

Oh. And mervyn approached me earlier to ask me to join the csc camp this year as a councillor! Yay! Haha. Apparently lixian forgot to put my name down... But anyway I'm in, so its a good thing. Haha. Well, yup. Thats mostly what happened today. Oops. Yesterday, rather.

A lot's been going on in the past 2,3 weeks. You can say I've neglected my angel a lot. Not to mention a lot of other people. Ok, first things first. Hmm. 小mei has been. Distant. Well what can I say. Its not an easy time. For any of us. I hope the days that you've spent without me, you've spent growing up and finding yourself. There comes a time when you have to walk out of that small little cove you call home and touch this big, big world and all its intricacies. Yup. Its a complex world out there, with lots of strange people and weird things. But no matter how far out you go, the most profound discoveries, are within us, woven into the threads that bind us to each other. Look not to me as your foundation, but look to me as your guiding hand. Only when you have learned to do all that will you really know what it means, to be human. -hugs.

She's strong-willed. She's a nice person. And she's the one I call my angel. To others, she's the kind of person who seems to have things going her way most of the time. It is partly true. So often, people fail to see the other side. I, however, know better (its what guardian angels are for). For the past couple of weeks, it is perhaps safe to say that I've been through your highs (were there any?) and lows with you (I still want to know the whole story on what happened...). And yesterday afternoon/evening, when you told me about all that... My heart just nearly broke into pieces. I was speechless. No...Speechless is not the word. Appalled is more like it. It takes a fantastic leap of faith to believe all that could happen. I now begin to see why you had to resort to all those measures. I dont think a lesser person would be able to last till now...
I know it hurts talking about it. Which is why I'm kicking myself for not being able to be there for you those past weeks. You look to me as a tower of strength, a pillar of hope. And it is what I intend to do - to be the one who walks in when the whole world walks out. You know that my sanctuary has a doorway but no door...
It seems that the more I know you, the more I am... drawn to you. Lets not give up. There's always a better tomorrow. -hugss.

P.S. And yes I did miss you while you were away.

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. - Anais Nin

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough. - Ann Landers

And last but not least, my personal favourite, and probably the most meaningful one I've come across:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8

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